For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a tshirt with a bulls eye on the back.
Rodney DangerfieldIf only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody AllenMy wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
Rodney DangerfieldI came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
Rodney DangerfieldA fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
George Bernard ShawLove is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.
Yogi BerraThe embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.
Paul NewmanThe embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.
Paul NewmanMy cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
Rodney DangerfieldI don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula PoundstonePainting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
Ambrose BierceDo you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
Pete SeegerIf you think you're leading and no one is following you, then you're only taking a walk.
Afghan ProverbIf at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. FieldsCommon sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
William JamesA little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
Oscar WildeHe found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
Rodney DangerfieldManagement by objective works - if you know the objectives. Ninety percent of the time you don't.
Peter DruckerIf every church will make flood buckets - even three would be a great help - or health kits, that would involve them in working toward bringing light in the midst of so very much darkness, ... If every person who gets up in the morning and finds all is OK would simply find a person or a family who is not OK and find a way, in the name of Christ, to make someone else's day, we can go a long way in bringing the message that love is more powerful than the strength of a storm.
Bill ElwellTwo things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.
Albert EinsteinI came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
Rodney DangerfieldI have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. SchulzI don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula PoundstoneMy wife's not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, all kids smell that way.
Rodney DangerfieldWashington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
Robert OrbenI don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody AllenPeople always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneresMy mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.
Dame Edna EverageI bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
Rodney DangerfieldGravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
Albert EinsteinAlthough golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave BarryI refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho MarxI came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Rodney DangerfieldMy cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney DangerfieldShe looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.
Rodney DangerfieldPeople always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneresMy wife's not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, all kids smell that way.
Rodney DangerfieldCommon sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
William JamesPainting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
Ambrose BierceBoy were we poor, if I wasn't born a boy I would of had nothing to play with.
Rodney DangerfieldWashington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
Robert OrbenManagement by objective works - if you know the objectives. Ninety percent of the time you don't.
Peter DruckerThe best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Arthur C. ClarkeBeing a child is horrible. It is slightly better than being a tree or a piece of heavy machinery but not half as good as being a domestic cat.
Julie BurchillMy wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit
Rodney DangerfieldI'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
Rodney DangerfieldGravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
Albert EinsteinGod writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
Garrison KeillorA James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob HopeI have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. SchulzOnce I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Rodney DangerfieldI generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
Mae WestIf at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. FieldsI don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody AllenMy wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
Rodney DangerfieldOnce I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Rodney DangerfieldThere comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.
Casey StengelThe best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Arthur C. ClarkeI have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.
Edward AlbeeYou risk much. Apollo And so do you! Scott
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
George Bernard ShawBigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar WildeMy cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney DangerfieldI know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
Gerald R. FordWhat does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on?
George CarlinI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho MarxI don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody AllenIf you think you're leading and no one is following you, then you're only taking a walk.
Afghan ProverbLove is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.
Yogi BerraOne night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
Rodney DangerfieldI saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much time.
Steven WrightOne night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
Rodney DangerfieldWhat does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on?
George CarlinNever go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma BombeckEvery morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Robert OrbenMy cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney DangerfieldWashington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
Robert OrbenPeople always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneresMy mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.
Dame Edna EverageI have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.
Edward AlbeeNever go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma BombeckI have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.
Edward AlbeeI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho MarxManagement by objective works - if you know the objectives. Ninety percent of the time you don't.
Peter DruckerTwo things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.
Albert EinsteinI don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula PoundstoneLove is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.
Yogi BerraWhat does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on?
George CarlinThe other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
Rodney DangerfieldDon't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay LenoI refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho MarxDon't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay LenoGod writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
Garrison KeillorI bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes Hey, better try the emergency brake
Jack Handey Deep ThoughtsHe taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa GaborWhat does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on?
George CarlinOne night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
Rodney DangerfieldI came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
Rodney DangerfieldThe behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.
Robert Conquest