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For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a tshirt with a bulls eye on the back.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.

The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

If you think you're leading and no one is following you, then you're only taking a walk.

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

If every church will make flood buckets - even three would be a great help - or health kits, that would involve them in working toward bringing light in the midst of so very much darkness, ... If every person who gets up in the morning and finds all is OK would simply find a person or a family who is not OK and find a way, in the name of Christ, to make someone else's day, we can go a long way in bringing the message that love is more powerful than the strength of a storm.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

My wife's not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, all kids smell that way.

Management by objective works - if you know the objectives. Ninety percent of the time you don't.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.

She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Boy were we poor, if I wasn't born a boy I would of had nothing to play with.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

My wife's not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, all kids smell that way.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Management by objective works - if you know the objectives. Ninety percent of the time you don't.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

Being a child is horrible. It is slightly better than being a tree or a piece of heavy machinery but not half as good as being a domestic cat.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much time.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

What does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on?

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

If you think you're leading and no one is following you, then you're only taking a walk.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.

You risk much. Apollo And so do you! Scott

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

What does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.

Management by objective works - if you know the objectives. Ninety percent of the time you don't.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

What does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on?

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes Hey, better try the emergency brake

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.

What does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on?

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.